Small Talk Tips For Introverts

Small talk tips for introverts – Key Tip: Leave small talk to extroverts. They enjoy an unfair superiority in the competitive social arena. They are streets ahead in establishing relationships through their ability to drop a few nice words to a sales clerk, share jokes with the dentist's receptionist, or manage the light banter which subtly reveals the interests of a customer at a party. 

The introverts, who lack such inherited bonhomie, will only look awkward if they try to imitate the extroverts. Instead of imitation, they should choose to be acknowledged as amiable introverts. They should benefit from the advantages of a reticent nature, while learning to profit from customer perceptions of the strengths behind their own reticence.

  • Introverts are interested in people and can remember volumes of trivia. For them, small talk is a fun pastime.
  • Schultz suggests that reward oriented behavior is supported by inner interest and energy.
  • Speech is a subconscious process, supported by a massive inner knowledge. When the trivial repartee knowledge is lacking, the introvert cannot compel his mind to produce speech.
  • The introvert feels left behind in the stream of conversation.
  • Introverts fear becoming wet blankets at a "great party."
  • Use the mind control tips in this website to become comfortable anywhere.
  • Everybody loves a genial listener.
  • Be relaxed and comfortable in the face of put downs. You will confuse the extrovert.
  • Some careers require little socializing.
  • Introverts are respected more and can build enduring relationships.

Can An Algorithm Be Controlling The Mind?
I am not a physician, but an engineer. Way back in 1989, I listed how the ELIMINATION approach of an AI Program could be uncovering a mystery of the mind.  How could a doctor be instantly identifying Disease X out of 8000 diseases?  How could the doctor's mind isolate a single disease/symptom (D/S link out of trillions of possible links in less than half a second? 

This list of 6 unique new premises could be explaining the enigma and revealing an exciting glimpse into the mind:

First, the total born and learned knowledge available to the doctor could only be existing as the stored/retrieved data within the 100 billion neurons in his brain.

Second, axon hillocks could be storing that knowledge as combinatorial memories. Residing at the head of the axonal output of each neuron is its axon hillock, receiving thousands of inputs from other neurons. Each hillock is known to be making the pivotal neuronal decision about received inputs within 5 milliseconds. The hillock could be opting to fire impulses, if it recalled a combination. If not, it could be opting to inhibit further impulses.  Or, it could be recording new combinations, adding to its memory store.  These choices and recordings were programming axon hillocks to logically store and respond to vast memories, making the mind intelligent.

Third, combinations are known to be providing nature with its most powerful mode of coding. Science has been reporting the neuronal memories provided by combinations for millions of smells. Each axon hillock is capable of processing more combinations than there are stars in the sky. Each new combination stored by an axon hillock could be recording a new set of relationship links remembered by the mind.  The doctor's brain could be storing all the D/S links known to him as combinations in the relevant axon hillocks of his brain.

Fourth, instant global communication is working today as a practical reality. Millions of cells of spreadsheets are instantly reflecting single inputs into cells. The doctor observes a symptom. Within the instant of his observation, the feedback and feed forward links of his brain could be informing all related D/S axon hillocks of the presence of the symptom as a combinatorial transmission.  Only the D/S link of Disease X could be recalling the combination and recognizing the symptom.

Fifth, on not recognizing the symptom, all other disease related D/S hillocks could be instantly inhibiting their impulses. But, the D/S links of Disease X could be continuing to fire. Those firing D/S link would be recalling past complaints, treatments, patients, references and signs of Disease X, thus confirming the diagnosis, in the doctor's mind.  In this manner, rational axon hillocks could be enabling the prescient speed and wisdom of the mind.

Sixth, specific regions of the brain are known to be identifying sensory inputs, recognizing objects and events, triggering emotions and providing motor responses. Axon hillocks of those regions could be rationally responding to inputs and triggering those functions. The axon hillocks of the amygdala could be storing memories of threats during life, or during prehistoric encounters. The sight of a snake could be triggering fear signals from the organ. Those signals could be triggering reflexive flight or freeze responses out of the axon hillocks of the motor regions.

Finally, common sense can calm such reflexive responses through routines for self awareness, as suggested in these pages. Sound judgement
can be toughening the mind by making it patient and by controlling its temper. Grief or guilt will not be shattering experiences; reason can be the tool for conquering fear; for escaping from the well of sudden disappointment; avoiding dissatisfaction with life; avoiding despair over the lack of meaning in life. These urged routines, which provide effective mind control, are now benefiting thousands of people.

W
orldwide interest in this website is acknowledging its rationale. Not metaphysical theories, but pattern recognition and infinite axon hillock memories could be explaining the astonishing speed of human intuition. Several years after 1989, a Nobel Prize began acknowledging combinatorial olfactory codes. Over three decades, this website has been assembling evidence of how neural pattern recognition is powering emotional and physical behaviors. It has been receiving over 2 million page views from over 150 countries.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts 
Are You Born With A Talent For Small Talk?
It is futile to imitate inherited talents. For extroverts, small talk is an effortless and fun pastime. Their intellects thrive on it. They are interested in people. They remember volumes of trivia. They recall vast libraries of minutiae, including local gossip, family relationships, health issues and sports interests of the people they meet. Their interests in these subjects make them enjoy company – the more, the merrier. 

Extroverts toss out appropriate comments in the company of strangers in the hope of turning one of them into a common point of interest. They respond fast, adding a quick succession of repartees to what has been said. Their social lubrication keeps the conversational ball rolling, rewarding them with a feeling of satisfaction. This potential grants extroverts added focus and energy.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts
What Is Reward Oriented Behavior?

Extroverts have a built in advantage. In social gatherings, a reward oriented neural subsystem continually varies the human energy, which controls inspiration
and enthusiasm. Professor Wolfram Schultz discovered that reward oriented behavior is promoted by the release of a group of neurotransmitters by neurons in the early reptilian (approach or withdraw) part of the human brain.


When these neurons detect signals of the possibility of a reward within a specific time frame, they release dopamine in the forebrain. Increased dopamine intensifies forebrain activity, bringing clarity to objectives, making the mind feel more energetic and elated. But, it is not the reward of social goodwill, but the expectation of it, which releases dopamine.

Schultz noted that the release increases, if the reward is greater than what is expected. It continues only for the predicted time period, when a reward can be expected. The release reduces at the end of this period. The releases stop if the rewards have become a matter of routine. Even crossing a street is a sufficiently rewarding objective, to increases the focus and attention of the mind. The extrovert anticipates the certain rewards of goodwill at a social gathering. They thrive in company.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts –
Have You Any Idea What Your Next Words Will Be?

The extrovert joins a party with a massive database of trivia, including social history, anecdotes and snappy answers. From this vast database, within milliseconds after someone finishes speaking, the extrovert's mind selects an appropriate idea, formulates a witty response, paraphrases it into a sentence, selects the right words from a vocabulary of thousands of words and places them in grammatical order.

Then the extrovert's systems initiates motor impulses to control the timing and tenor of the delivered speech. All these things happen before you can say “wow!” On the other hand, the introvert approaches social gatherings with a sense of discomfort and a database bare of social trivia. The emotional triggers of speech remain inhibited with negativity. He has no conscious control over his verbal communications.

Those systems require lightning speed to deliver a reasonable reply to a casual question. He just cannot “will himself” to be outgoing and talkative. If the introvert is tongue tied, it is because, without his permission, those mechanisms have decided to remain silent. Even a conscious effort to speak will not overcome the lack access to an appropriate idea in his memory.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts
What Are The Hurdles To Small Talk?

While the introvert may be focused and energetic in the pursuit of his career, his responses slow down in company. Being unable to share common jokes and comments, he feels tongue tied and awkward. His life experiences have not assembled the profusion of casual observations, which enable the extrovert to revel in small talk. His brain does not provide focus and energy for quick exchanges. He hesitates as he struggles to think out suitable answers to trivial questions.

Instead of waiting for responses, most people will just go ahead and ask or say something else. The introvert, who was probably just about to answer the earlier question, is forced to abandon his present line of thought and follow the new thread of the ongoing conversation. While introverts feel apologetic about their slow witted responses, their listeners feel disconcerted by the peculiar silences, which precede their solemn answers. In the end, introverts distance themselves and consider the breakneck trail of questions and answers to be shallow and pointless.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts
What Is The Wet Blanket Effect?

The introverts have a natural distaste for small talk. This has an unpleasant side effect. People come to think that they are socially inept or snobby. They imagine them turning up their noses on social chatter, which is widely believed to be at the core of “normal” culture.  People assume that they don’t like chit-chat because they don’t like them. Habitual failure to communicate with cheer causes the introvert to fear that his tension will "spoil" the party.

Tension adds more problems. People usually become uncomfortable when they sense tension. They have mirror neurons, which “mirror” the behavior of others in company. Those neurons support the generation of identical emotions within a group – herd behavior. Tension in one animal is conveyed quickly throughout the herd. It is a survival mechanism. So, effectively, the tensions of a self critical introvert will also transmit to the group, and lower spirits all round.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts
Is Reticence A Comfortable Starting Point?

But, attendance at social gatherings may be necessary. Instead of desperately searching for things to say, the introvert should aim to just be comfortable at parties. The tension, which causes an introvert to become a “wet blanket” can be easily stilled. The mind control tips in this website suggest ways to still tension through simple mechanical exercises. She can learn to instantly relax her muscles and to still her mortifying visceral responses.

She can learn to quiet the habitual instincts, which cause her tension in company. The nagging self talk, which builds inner turmoil, can be stilled. A calm mind will recognize the thoughtless opinions of others as being irrelevant. The introvert should become a comfortable listener, leaving the extroverts to enjoy a “great party.” The same comfort will eliminate the wet blanket effect and contribute positively to the spirit of the party.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts
Can You Have Pleasant Expectations About A Party?

The introvert has chosen to attend the party, because social, or career needs require his presence. While longing, like Professor Higgins, for the “peace and quiet of an undiscovered tomb,” the introvert has become comfortable in company. His very reticence can work to his benefit, if he views social gatherings as a necessary evil.

Acceptance of this necessity can still his inner dissatisfaction. Instead of dreading the party, the introvert now accepts it as a social need, or as a necessary step to achieve his goals. Acceptance of the inevitable further stills negative emotions. The introvert need not make an effort to produce small talk. Lacking the vast store of social trivia, the objective of the introvert should be to become a silent, but amiable listener to the exchanges.

Having learned the art of relaxation, his body is completely relaxed. Acceptance and relaxation bring stillness. He can gain added focus and energy, if he expects to benefit through increased goodwill, or useful insights from the social gathering. That may, or may not happen.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts
Who Loves A Genial Listener?

In the company of extroverts, a solemn presence can dampen spirits. The extrovert can avoid this pitfall by becoming a genial listener. All that is needed is to smile expectantly at a stranger, leaving him to take the initiative in talking. Social gatherings thrive on shared positive emotions and trivial interactions.

The appearance of comfortable enjoyment removes the anxieties of the host. The objective is to share bonhomie and not to transmit profound knowledge. With warmth, your pleasant smiles or murmurs to flippant comments can encourage others to talk. If the stranger is an extrovert, he will keep the ball rolling, with minimum contributions from you. You will have gained goodwill.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts
Who Delivers Insults & Put Downs?

Unfortunately, parties also sustain a large supply of insults and put downs. There are people who actively seek the discomfiture of others. Remember that those who enjoy insulting bare acquaintances have serious problems of their own. Never regret your inability to come up with sharp rejoinders.

Accept the inevitable judgment of extroverts that you are a “bore.” Continue the mood of friendly expectations. You will leave behind a perplexed individual, who may even carry away goodwill for you. If you land in the company of other introverts, you can share share deeper ideas, or enjoy sharing their silences. Your objective is is to be relaxed and comfortable, while expecting to be informed or entertained.

Small Talk Tips For Introverts
Can You Afford To Bypass Socializing?

The introvert can avoid social burnout by choosing careers, where socializing is not paramount. When individual performance, rather than social skills, determines career growth, the introvert has no need to present a dishonest, or embellished front. You can't become someone you are not. Constantly forcing yourself to mingle, chit-chat and cold-call will trigger stress, which can take years off your life.

When your career success is more dependent on the quality of your work than on social skills, you will have fewer worries. When your presence at social gatherings is not important for your career, you can choose to decline invitations to join convivial evenings, dinners, or parties and reduce the strain of enduring trivial social exchanges. If you do decide to attend, you could land up a little later and leave earlier. Such responses become easier when you have acknowledged your nature and feel at peace with yourself.


Small Talk Tips For Introverts
Does The Introvert Have Any Advantages?

While the extrovert may be good at getting a toe into the door, most businesses require long and enduring relationships. The subtle manipulation, which induces customers to buy, comes easily to extroverts. But, the forceful approach, which pounds away and oversells a product often repels customers, who wish to make informed decisions.

Introverts better understand and respect the need for space and thinking time. They are better at grasping body language clues which show when a person shutting down or glazing over.  An introvert needs to accept that he is short of small talk, quiet, slow to sell himself and unwilling to party. Then, he is less likely to feel a need to sound right all of the time. He is unlikely to live off fly-by-night propositions.

The introvert will not manipulate words or thoughts into the other person's mouth. He will focus on delivering services rather than on making contacts. He listens to customer concerns, answers their queries, services their problems and helps them to make wise choices. This builds enduring relationships. At parties, customers make value judgments of whether they wish to enter into long term relationships. A quiet strength may often be preferred to easy going affability. A lack of small talk can also be a career advantage.

This page was last updated on 01-Nov-2018.



Jordan Peterson - Happiness
Can Artificial Intelligence Replace Humans?

JUST THINK...   What happens when you are beginning to talk? Your nervous system is picking an emotion, articulating an idea around it, choosing apt words from a vocabulary of thousands of words, arranging them in lexical and grammatical order and adjusting the pitch of your voice. Before you speak you are having no consciousness of the words you will use. Who is actually taking charge?  This question leads to the question "What is consciousness itself?" Is consciousness a spirit living in a human body?  Is it a life form that emerges from the nervous system?  This is the living hard problem of consciousness. 


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