Overcoming Low Self-Esteem
Overcoming low self-esteem is a matter of learning to be rid of a painful habit. “Low self-esteem” is too mild an expression to describe its inflicted misery. Esteem is, after all, a “feeling of delighted approval and liking.” People esteem ability - to fly a plane, swim the channel, or, even, the capacity to deflate an arrogant shop assistant. If these things don't come easily to you, you can hardly esteem yourself in these areas.
Self-esteem is also transitory – a brief enjoyment of the delight of doing something well. Any little thing can deflate your self-esteem. But, a low self esteem is starkly different. It goes on and on. It is habitual and punishing self-criticism, which can darken every aspect of your life. In this article, a low self esteem is defined as a habit of painful self-criticism.
Some timid children suffer low self esteem. They may grow up and succeed in life, since success in most jobs does not need killer instincts. Job competence alone usually takes quiet and soft spoken people to the top. But, in spite of career success, the low self-esteem of timid people may persist. It is much worse for the less fortunate. For every success story, there are so many ordinary workers. Low self-esteem can punish them with crippling reminders of being failures. For all these afflicted people, effecive mind control is possible. A few mental and physical exercises can still such habitual self-criticism.
- If you began life as a timid child, bullied in school, a low self esteem may trouble you, even though you are successful in your career. But if you are in an ordinary job, the feeling of being a failure will be worse. But, low self esteem can be overcome.
- Overcoming low self esteem will not make you the life of the party. You will just be comfortable being who you are.
- Margaret was bullied in life and had a negative self perception, considering herself to occupy the lowest end of the Rosenberg Self Esteem Scale.
- High self esteem people dominate through many inborn confrontational skills. They bully timid children.
- Timidity is not a conscious choice. It is the system, which decides to speak.
- Emotions speak. They set the behavior of the mind. A defeated animal sneaks away, its tail between its legs.
- Negative emotions are sustained by neural circuits in the amygdala, which remembers and cycles negativity.
- Mind control steps can still the amygdala and make a person comfortable in company.
- Without tension, Margaret can be comfortable at parties, being a good listener.
- A feeling of incompetence happens, when a person with low self esteem is in an ordinary job. Change, if possible, to a job you like. Otherwise, there are ways to to pay attention to the job and be happy with it.
- There will always be bullies. Try to avoid them, or just accept them as a part of life.
- Mindfulness exercises can make each moment in life a happy one.
Overcoming
low self-esteem will not work miracles. It will not convert quiet
people into extroverts. But, it will still turmoil. They will feel
comfortable about not being “the life of the party.” They can go
on to discover their hidden talents. Every individual has unique
abilities. These can be exploited. Till you get an opportunity to do
that, a few motivation
techniques can
help you to forget your failures and do your best. Follow the methods
suggested in these pages to happily overcome low
self-esteem.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Negative Self Perception
Margaret
was constantly teased by her classmates and elder brothers. She came
to feel she was inferior to other people. Her emotional responses to
those early cat calls burned this conviction into her system.
Psychologists usually regard Margaret's essential shyness to be an
enduring personality characteristic. She was not built to be a bully.
But her low self-esteem made her forget the many instances, when she
did well and was praised. For her, any praise appeared false and she
constantly felt unworthy.
Margaret
assesses herself to be at the lowest end of the Rosenberg self-esteem
scale. She believes she is no good; that she has done nothing to be
proud of; that she is useless; she has no respect for herself; she
believes she is a failure. Naturally, she avoids company. Her painful
emotional focus blinds her to her own good qualities - the things she
can do well, the times she has contributed and those parts of her
behavior, which deserve respect.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –The Enduring Characteristic
One
reason why low self-esteem persists is that its root cause endures.
Quiet people lack the skills to deal with aggressive people. Early in
life, aggressive high self esteem people keep winning the competition
for supremacy among equals in the school yard. These pushy extroverts
possess a fearsome advantage. They are born with the right tools -
loud voices, aggressive natures, innate humor, or dogged persistence.
They win innumerable daily battles and reach the top of the social
hierarchy. Their youthful cruelty in the school yard inflicts the
enduring emotional pain of low self esteem on timid children.
The
affected children may become rich and powerful later in life. Money,
or executive power may enable them to dominate subordinates. But,
such people lack the killer instincts needed to win in confrontations
with equals. They tend to lose these “novice vs. master” battles.
So, the low self-esteem mechanism keeps corroding the system. It is
not usually changed with wealth and power, or with positive
affirmations. It is worse for those who have not achieved career
success. For them, the pain becomes more intense with passing years.
Punishing self criticism goes on and on.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Not A Conscious Choice
Margaret
is uncomfortable in company. The situation is aggravated by her
shyness. Being unable to share common jokes and comments, she feels
tongue tied and awkward in company. In reality, she cannot “will
herself” to be outgoing and talkative. Consider the problem. She
cannot control her complex subconscious
processes.
These
routines need to work with lightning speed before she can utter a
word in response to a taunt. They should formulate a witty response,
paraphrase it into words, select the right words from a vocabulary of
thousands of words and place them in grammatical order. Then these
systems must initiate motor impulses to control the timing and tenor
of her delivered voice. All these things must happen before she
responds. If Margaret is tongue tied, it is because mechanisms, over
which she has no conscious control, have decided to remain silent.
Her reticence is not her conscious choice.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Recalled Memories Respond
It
is your mind, which decides to speak. Your brain stores memories of
evolutionary experiences from millions of years. It remembers the
sights, sounds and experiences of a lifetime. It stores the coded
memories of years of habitual activities. These are astronomically
large memory stores. As an example, if the DNA codes in the human
body were written into 500 page books, those tomes will fill the
Grand Canyon 50 times over!
Your
mind recalls responses from a similarly large memory store. Over the
years, the high self-esteem extroverts assemble vast memories of
successful social exchanges. Sadly, her painful school yard
experiences form Margaret's memory store, making her motor system
freeze her to avoid more pain. She cannot consciously make the system
deliver witty replies or gracious words. It evaluates its own
assembled memories and remains frozen.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Emotions Speak
Margaret's
actions are controlled by her emotions –
an
evolutionary control system developed by nature. Emotions compete
with rationality for control in her historic triune
brain,
where a wise prefrontal region coexists with lower level mammalian
and reptilian systems. It is her mammalian brain, which punishes her
with low self esteem. It dominates her habitual social strategy,
casting her in the role of a social outcast. Her feeble efforts to
resist aggression keep failing. Her opponents are stronger, or
nastier in their verbal responses. She feels defeated by life. A
defeated animal bows its head and creeps away, its tail between its
legs. Its emotions drive it to avoid more pain. Every muscle in its
body is controlled by its fear of confrontation. In Margaret's case,
inner voices chide her for being a failure. The emotion eliminates
all thoughts of her many successes and colors her view
black.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –The Multiplier Effect
Margaret's
pain is intensified by her internal systems. Early in life, her
mirror neuron network made her intensely aware of the scorn and
contempt of her school mates. Eisenberger's research at UCLA suggests
activity in the neural pain circuits, when a person suffers social
rejection. Her system also contains a mechanism, which has a
multiplier effect on distress. For our ancestors in the jungle, being
observed could mean the possibility of instant death. With
civilization and culture, the danger of instant death has faded, but
the shy person's system continues to initiate rising discomfort from
observing eyes. It was acceptable for Margaret to be taunted by her
brother at home. But, those same taunts, while being observed by many
in the school yard, made her want to die. Countless emotional
experiences recorded such fear relationships into her
amygdalae.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –The Amygdala
The amygdalae are
organs in the brain, which enable animals to remember and avoid pain.
Lifelong “Speed dial (LTP) circuits” within them respond to the
possibility of pain with fear signals. Those signals prepare the body
for instant evasive action. Adrenalin increases to prepare the body
for a flight or freeze response. Heart beats increase to improve
blood supply. Blood pressure rises and breathing changes. Acidity
increases in the stomach. The excretory system prepares to clear
toxin. While these actions have relevance for frantic flight in the
jungle, these visceral activities merely fill Margaret with despair.
Her voice circuits scold her for not doing enough to win her battles.
Low self-esteem stresses both her body and mind.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Effective Mind Control
The
neural signals, which cause Margaret's low self-esteem follow logical
paths. Her system recognizes images, which remotely link to her past
pain, causing her despair. These signals can be stilled through
purely mechanical intervention. She can learn to relax her muscles
instantly and to still her visceral responses. She can learn to quiet
the habitual instincts, which cause her tension in company. Themind
control tips in
this website suggest ways to still them through simple mechanical
exercises. She does not need to argue with her mind. The opinion of
people about her is irrelevant. It will always keep changing. They
may appreciate her in the morning and pour scorn on her in the
evening. A still mind will recognize the flighty opinions of people
as being irrelevant. Mindfulness meditation can enable her to enjoy
the small things in life. Overcoming low self-esteem, she can learn
to be calmly comfortable in company.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Be Comfortable
When
fear is stilled, her rational brain will replace the anxiety of low
self-esteem with “unconditional self-acceptance and
other-acceptance.” She will know that “Life is like that.” In
spite of all her success in life, she lacks the loud voice,
aggressive outlook, innate humor, or the dogged persistence, which
she can use to win in social confrontation. She is weak in the art of
social confrontation with equals, or superiors with high self-esteem.
Her innate nature cannot be changed. She is unlikely to return with a
sharp put down, or to become the life of the party. But being
comfortable, she will contribute when she clearly has something to
say. Overcoming the pain of low self-esteem is a matter of accepting
herself as a quiet, soft spoken person. After all, high self-esteem
is not a wonder either. It is known to lead quite often to
frustration and violence.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Avoidance Of Tension
Margaret
will not need to fear that her tension will "spoil" a
party. People usually become uncomfortable if they sense tension.
They have mirror neurons, which “mirror” the behavior of others
in company. Those neurons support the generation of identical
emotions within a group. Tension in one animal is conveyed quickly
throughout the herd. It is a survival mechanism. So, effectively, the
tensions of a self critical person will also transmit to the group,
and lower spirits all round. Instead of being a “wet blanket,”
when apprehension is calmly stilled, the same comfort will raise the
spirit of the group. Margaret becomes a comfortable listener, leaving
the extroverts to enjoy a “great party.”
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –A Feeling Of Incompetence
Many
successful people have a low sense of self-esteem, but do not feel
incompetent. But, there are many ordinary and hardworking people, who
suffer the feeling of incompetence. People are basically motivated to
work. Imitating their parents, ordinary people make traditional, or
accidental career choices. A person becomes a shop assistant, because
her parents have been the same. But, their salaries barely meet their
food, shelter and clothing needs. They often live with the fear of
losing their jobs. Cyclic labor turnover prevents them from enjoying
steadfast work companionship. Such people lack a sense of
fulfillment, being aware of their lowly contributions to society. In
comparison with their successful relatives and friends, they feel
incompetent. The answer is to do a good job, or to enjoy the
job.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Find Your Niche
Successful
people discover and follow their areas of strength, without wasting
time in jobs where they are weak. Do you have an area of excellence?
Are there a few things you can do better than others? The legendary
management guide Peter Drucker defined excellence as the ability to
easily do something, which others find difficult. If you lack
enthusiasm in your current job, look around for a job, which can be
more satisfying. Different objectives thrill different people. The
signals, which trigger pleasure for a person are said to be set
before the age of nine. History could interest a child, who was once
thrilled by the vision of an emperor's throne in a museum. Such
exciting early visions can trigger abiding interests in subjects like
history, art, or engineering. Discover the things which excite you.
Self awareness can prevent you from being tied to tradition and dull
habit.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Learn On The Job
Very
few people are blessed with the good fortune to work enthusiastically
in a field they love. Millions of people are forced to work on dull
routines, where the work bores them to tears. If you do not enjoy
your work, but have no other option, are you going to let your
dissatisfaction destroy your health and happiness? Instead of being
miserable, look around and see how you can improve your performance.
How does your work help your customer and the business? Study the
history and practices in the field. Read of new developments. You
will find that as you pay more attention to your job, it will become
easier and more interesting. While you can keep looking for a better
opening, you will find that the skills you learned will always help
you later in life.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –Bullies
There
are situations, where bullies win. You are member of a committee,
where a domineering member takes over and manages affairs. Quiet
people find it difficult to overcome their innate reserve and respond
suitably in such situations. Such committees, with members who do not
contribute, are fated to be flawed. It is better to avoid situations,
where you feel you cannot contribute your mite. If you are
unavoidably in such situations, calmly accept reality and do whatever
is possible within your limitations. But, don't let your helplessness
bother you. Loudness never makes up for substance and a calm approach
will keep you ready for an opportunity, which will come one
day.
Overcoming
Low Self-Esteem –A Happy Life
Happy
survival is a person's greatest achievement. The famed psychiatrist
Frankl writes that simple objectives helped people to survive even
the horrors of the Nazi concentration camps. Feelings of being a
failure become irrelevant, when you still emotions and take joy in
little things. Lacking a high self-esteem is an advantage too,
because a humble perception fits you better into society. Be glad
that you are quiet and soft spoken, without the problems of the
aggressive extrovert. Wherever you are, mindfulness living can help
you to enjoy the many small blessings in life. The best epitaph for
life is that you lived it happily.
This page was last updated on 01-Jan-2014.
JUST THINK. What happens when you begin to talk? Your nervous system has picked an emotion.
It has articulated an idea around it, chosen apt words, arranged them in lexical and grammatical order and adjusted the pitch of your voice. You've no idea what words you wii use.
Who's actually in charge? You, or your nervous system?
